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still life in black and white

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2009.03.12  14.18
I really need to get back on this....

So thank you to the 2 people who had commented and said hey when I stated I'm alive.
Yessssssssss!



I'm on Myspace alot.
/jilldarling


I think I might marry the internet. No, seriously. It makes me so happy. After not having the internet like, ever, and finally getting wireless- ITS FUCKING AMAZING.
I CAN READ SHIT
I CAN DOWNLOAD ALL THE MUSIC I WANT
I CAN RESEARCH THINGS, RANDOM THINGS
I CAN WATCH MOVIES
I CAN MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF

Seriously, if you have the internet and don't use it for some kind of weird stalking/bashing, I say you're a fucking liar.


So...
to the journal-ing:
I'm bleaching my hair again.
I'm probably going to post some pictures.

The problem with having all this neat internet stuff to do is that you can get distracted and get lazy, and not want to do anything with it.


Oh, dear.

 
 

(2shots | advance the film)



 
  2009.02.26  02.46
recreating the pieces

Hello.

Is anybody out there?


I decided to pick up all the pieces of myself from past lives when I was at a happy point with myself,
and piece it together
into my own
perfect person


you dig?

 
 

(3shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.10.20  22.26
paint on bricks.

"and they think i'm depressed because i don't have geo. so they bring artists around to cheer me up."


i got fired today.

and

and

on mybirthday i thought i was going to slam into cars and die.



what a fucking week.


please sir, smash me in a different light.

you dig?

 
 

(2shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.09.23  20.07
i swears mista, i swears.

what a:
weird/nerveracking/half hour lunch break
(HAH.motherfucker.)
week.


and cigarettes.
my bad, yo.

and
not getting my hair cut
(because it badly needs it)

and-
puking.



strange things be a'brewin.
i feel it in mah bones,child.


especially the sternum.
and the ribs.

anxiety much?



Mood: marty mcfly
 
 

(4shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.09.21  22.35
wu tang clan ain't nothing to mess with.

oh all the chapelle shows i've never seen.


today, simplified:
it was pretty
and
i took pictures.


the end.

 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.09.19  20.04
i'm a bum i'm a bum i'm a bum

...sick.

stupid pills instead of making it better it only makes things worse.

and everyday i love him just a little bit more
and
a little bit more
and
a little bit more

and he loves me the same.



baby if you wanna get high....


i saw red.



Mood: bum
 
 

(1shot | advance the film)



 
  2006.09.12  21.45
the saddest song you'll ever hear, most pain you'll ever feel...

i wish the future would hurry the fuck up already.


i feel as though i'm teetering on the edge of something absolutely huge.



p.s-
i'm going to attempt to make a pinhole camera out of a garbage can. wish me super luck.



Mood: anxious
 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.09.12  21.17
you ain't see nothing like the mighty quinn.

for the record,



i really do suck at guitar.


but-

i really rock ass at making people laugh so hard they cry.


indubiously.

 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.09.07  19.35
renegade.

i know who is who and what is what and which way to look to see the stars.


i am renegade.


in retrospect.



i've decided that one day,very soon, i will be living in san francisco. i will see mountains. i miss mountains.
and good music. southern california = one of the birth places of hardcore punk.

shit, son.
and its got an ocean.

maybe in between schools? i'm not sure when or how but yes, it will be done. at least for a short while. because i've decided aside from chicago and canada, there is only one other place i would ever consider having a permanent address in.

chicago has my heart, but my eyes and body will grace other sites at different intervals of time.



Mood: contemplative
 
 

(4shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.08.30  20.59
thinking too much,quacko.

i want to be like them, so badly. All that is good & courageous & brilliant & lovely & secure. And together, even when they were falling apart. They were so together, seperately and united.

instead i'm this snotty, ragged piece of girl.i'm not accomplished, and i'm scared i never will be.

i'm scared of never being everything they were.




Mood: depressed/on the upswing
 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.08.27  15.32
if you want it, here it is.

come and get it,
'cause it's goin' fast...



last night i was called 1/2 of a celebrity couple.
maybe that means we both have presence?

thank you derrik for making me super excited.

and fuck you mapquest for sending me to wisconsin.


i love my friends.
the end.



Mood: bah!
 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.08.26  00.16
this is kinda funny...

i almost feel guilty for thinking this is funny and posting it in such a public place that could be copied as evidence against me for some stupid accusation of malice, but considering i just got into a fight with someone with the word in question tattooed across their chest...
i kindof just had to share it:

Being called a "dork" is the biggest insult of the three. There's no way you can spin it into something positive. After all, even the dictionary writes that dorks are "stupid" people. And to make matters worse, dorks assume they're cool. Oh, and they smell, too

oh,
man.

i feel so childish,
but fuck, dude.

the entire article, in case you're interested,can be viewed at:
http://ask.yahoo.com/20060818.html



....maybe i should get some sleep?
maybe then i wouldn't be making stupid fucking posts like this.


?



Mood: contemplative/restless
 
 

(2shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.08.24  22.49
aggravation by association

...i think its more than that.

oh but why don't you come over here and forget everything else?


i know my html skills impress you, sir.



Mood: aggravated
 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.08.24  14.57
"everybody is everybody else"

i believe in things in this world, even if you don't believe in yourself.

i believe in love, even if you're the only one in love with something pure and everybody around you tries to ruin it and smash it and stomp it out.

i believe in music and the power of words and the images that stem from such things.

i believe in loyalty, when you can only be loyal to your beliefs.

and i believe in your beliefs, even if i want to smash them out of your head and start you over on something better. and i believe in mine because this moral compass gets thrown around until its dizzy and still manages to go in the right goddamn directions.


i swear too much.
i swear when i'm happy and i swear when i'm excited or on a roll and fucking hell, i'm happy and i'm completely different and i think if you met me now you'd really like me, whoever you are now.



Mood: fierce
 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.08.19  19.29
damage, upgrade. damage,upgrade.

I've come to a slight realization:
you are what you immerse yourself in.

If you're fucked up and you fuck yourself up and fuck those around you up, you are,indeed, a fuck up.

If you plunge headfirst into reckless creative abandon,and spread giggly-ness around in all flippin' directions, well,you're a fucking reckless creative abandon.

AND if you hang out with whores and shitty, depressed people all the goddamn time...
well,


then.


I've been weeding alot of things out and re-prioritizing things and people.It is indeed the shake-ups and freak-outs that teach you the most.


I've started going back to the places I've called home.
wherever they are, they're going backwardsin moving forwards and thats a damn good thing. It's like creating a ransom letter out of all the fucking awesome fonts in a fucking RedEye, and demanding a gazillioin bucks from life.

damage, and comply.
damage, and upgrade.

I'm going back to the places, if only for sporadic visits. With select people. i'm drawing circles tighter around myself, enclosing the select up with me.

this last year we have to make it, ph.
we've got our entire lives to look fucking forward too, and you're gonna be shining right there next to me.

can't you just fucking see it?



Mood: recklessly restless
 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.07.30  21.27
oh shebanoh

rivers. it's all about rivers.
and songs stuck in heads,and friends.
friends that aren't whores.


oh, how i love you.



sheldon leaves tuesday. last night sheldon,bree,ben and i sat in the backyard with christmas lights telling stupid jokes and talking about comic books. i like this summer. i saw ultra sound pictures of the baby and i'm excited. she's excited. everyone's excited, sticky, hot, and nervous. which practically describes this entire summer.

no indiana, thank god.
which equated to no sleeping in a fucking tent in the hundred plus weather. in close proximity to jerry, who creeps me out.

i feel like i'm doing everything and not much of anything all at once.
it's exciting.
it's electric.


on a side note, i've made it a point to not make friends with whore-y girls anymore. seemed for awhile all my girl friends were major sluts.

thank you amy.
and meg.!

oh,
the heat....



Mood: quiet and peaceful
 
 

(1shot | advance the film)



 
  2006.07.24  22.51
i remember when, i remember when i lost my mind...

two feelings right now,right this second:

x.the first feeling incredibly lucky, in almost every aspect that you touch.or that we touch. oh hell, every fucking aspect.

x.the feeling that used to haunt me late at night and send me crying to my mother: that oppressive feeling of feeling exactly like every person in the world, every other slightly creative,confused,crushed,ambitious,and terrified girl in the world.


....they're not really in combat with one another. seperate yet equal,slightly. i think i feel lucky more than i feel terrified.


i win.

although its less about winning and more about...
the feeling.


oh good god i think i've turned into a fucking 80's movie.
moral and all.

or-
thundercats.


yes.



Mood: happy now?
 
 

(2shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.07.08  23.34
"i could take her."

the weirdness of days drag on.

peace fest today.
i have much more i want to say but i'm starting to feel like this journal isn't exactly mine anymore.

but sitting here, i realized something.
i am happy for you.without other attached emotions.

i'm not the big girl. i never was. i am what i am, sitting right here, right now.
you pulled me in and i let it. i pulled myself in. and then i threw myself out without much of a reason except i couldnt find reason enough to stay.

i did the thing i ridicule other people for doing. backing down from greatness, backing out and running.
i ran.

i feel like doing it again, because the weight of it bears down.the weight of me being attached to something way more than i should be.

but i won't.
it's kind of backwards in its thinking and the way things play out.

i don't understand it either.

but this time i won't run.

i'm sorry.

 
 

(4shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.07.03  17.03
songs about jesus.

i like mexican wrestling.
it's the masks.the mystery. not jack black,because that was a fucking mockery. slightly funny and almost unbearable, but that was what, a week ago?
funny the people who watch the same things in the same theater at the exact same time, yeah?


i might be going to a saint-ization this fall. stay in a hotel and walk amongst oak trees on campus. i'm excited, and i'm not sure why. if i could pinpoint it, i would pin the scenery and point to the seclusion.

(saint-ization.
haha.
i like calling it that.)


milwaukee yesterday.
sarah is awesome, i want her to live closer.
or visit more.


river grove so far today, and des plaines later for fireworks.
writing songs with/next to sheldon is awesome.so is tupperware and cookie sheets for free.



the further i get away, the more i come to love it.
at least the city will never leave me.

i can only leave it.
and come and go as i please.

greatest.lover.ever.

oh, but will it marry me?

i bought myself a ring today because i have decided that i don't want anyone else to.at least with my current state of thinking in this current time and place.marriage is like communism.

maybe i'll turn communist in,say, 10 years?

we all make plans that break, you know.



Mood: spacey
 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.06.30  19.58
sick.

i've been feeling so sick inside and out all day.


changes.
cha-cha-cha-changes



we need lives.
maybe what i'm living isn't quite....
something.
anything.
insert what you wish.


i want repairs.

take me in?


oh-
and corey!
i am seeing you this weekend.
or else.

love.



Mood: shitty
 
 

(2shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.06.30  13.14
i'd be fucking mr. fix-it.

i can't have lasting relationships.with anyone.


and its not that i have short-term, fucked up relationships with random strangers.


"oh,hi."
"hello."
"be my best friend?"
"YES."

i hereby formally apologize to everybody that i know.


not that it fixes things.

 
 

(5shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.06.19  11.17
oh...


i never meant to cause you trouble...



my life,
through lyrics.


why is it that i can't stand people in general, persons in specific, but if any of them were to be disconnected or lines severed, i'm pretty sure i would die?


i love everybody and no one all at once.


resolution to spend much more time with friends: temporarily on hiatus due to mourning.


change the hiatus,
but let me be sad.

'k?



Mood: indecisive
 
 

(2shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.06.17  22.20




the smell of hospitals in winter
and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
all at once you look across a crowded room
to see the way that light attaches to a girl

maybe this year will be better than the last
i can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
to hold on to these moments as they pass...




my granma died this morning.

 
 

(4shots | advance the film)



 
  2006.05.29  21.52
eat the trees.

this weekend

has been good to me.

sheldon=british* love.

*welsh


and
and
and
everybody loves the boy.
because hes sweet and looks like john lennon. but no mommy*, you can't have him.



*mom,cat,joan,all the mothers i have collected over the years.maybe including tim, if i knew where he was.


p.s-
thank you for respecting my privacy, and not being psycho.
<3



Mood: amused
 
 

(advance the film)



 
  2006.05.26  21.54
formal photographs refuse to tell you

do what you can to keep in comfort, this.

i feel like receeding into something comfortable yet still fully connected to the outside world. i don't know. maybe i want to shrink back and have people come after me. because i'd come after them if they shrank back.

i don't know. i'm not talking about anyone in particular.

i was just thinking about how i fit into the world
and the way the world responds to me and fits against my skin.

that's what people don't ponder,
they're always worried about how theyll fit into the world.
well
how about how the world fits in with you?

i don't think it fits in me very well.
certain corners fit perfectly,
like my head in between shoulder blades that aren't mine.
others rub the skin raw or simply pull away, like magnetic fields.

i need to crawl into something natural.
i need to breathe.
i need space in general.


p.s:
i also don't need to be fighting with certain people anymore.

make peace or make space between.
hopefully you'll choose the one we'd both want.



Mood: contemplative
 
 

(2shots | advance the film)



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